Monday, 7 April 2014

Earth Boards At Camp

WALT: Entertain
Task: Write about what we were scared about at camp or what we really enjoyed.
Reflection: I wrote 4 drafts about camp. successes
Successes Criteria:  
Descriptive vocabulary (words that help to SHOW the reader)
  • use a range of verbs
  • use a variety of adverbs
Language features (phrases that help paint a picture)
  • select 2 - 3 similes
  • select 2 - 3 metaphors or personification
  • choose onomatopoeia to show sounds (crash!)
  • select words that start with the same sound (alliteration)
Sentences
  • use short sentences to create suspense
Structure
  • use 3 - 5 paragraphs.

Camp
 Draft 1

The time has come.
It's our turn I sprint towards the boards as soon as I see them I think they look really dangerous.
My heart is pounding. I try to stop my-self from shaking.

Then our parent arrives she says,"hop on the boards'' we snatch the boards. We start on a small hill.
They are so FUN!!



Draft 2

The time has come.
It's our turn I sprint towards the boards as soon as I see them I think they look really dangerous, with their giant wheels and skinny wood, I imagine myself crashing right into a big fat rock ow! Then our parent arrives she says "hop on the boards'' we grab the boards, my heart is pounding like cheaters. We start on the grass it's only a small hill. The board is telling me to go down the hill right NOW! but I ignore it. I go down the hill and hold on tight, this is so FUN!


Draft three

 The time has come.
It's our turn I sprint towards the boards as soon as I see them I think they look really dangerous with their giant wheels, skinny wood and they had nothing to steer or hold on to! Can you believe it!
Then  Emma our camp parent arrives. She says ''hop on the boards" we grab the boards we start on a small hill but still my heart is pounding like a cheaters. I go down the hill OMG this is so fun.

Draft 4

The time has come it's finally our turn.
As I sprint towards the boards, I stop in my foot-steps, they look really dangerous with their giant wheels, skinny wood and they had nothing to steer with or hold onto. I continue to run towards the boards. Then our camp parent arrives, Emma, she says ''hop on the boards'' we grab the boards we go to the hill it is only a small hill and it's on grass but still my heart is pounding like a cheeta's. We go down the hill  I stay for a little bit then I hear the board say "hurry up'', I go down the hill and hold on tight, OMG, they are so FUN!!!!!!!!


Draft 5


The time has come it's finally our turn.
As I sprint towards the boards, I stop in my foot-steps, they look really dangerous with their giant wheels, skinny wood and they had nothing to steer with or hold onto. I continue to run towards the boards then suddenly out of now where our camp parent arrives, Emma, she says ''hop on the boards'' we grab the boards we go to the hill it is only a small hill and it's on grass but still my heart is pounding, like a cheetas ready to pounce on it's pray. The others go down the hill I stay for a little bit then I hear the board say "hurry up, go down the hill I want to have some fun'', But I snap back at it and say "NO" I go down the hill and hold on tight, OMG, they are so FUN!!!!!!!!




2 comments:

  1. I have really enjoyed reading back through your drafts Tabitha - it is great to see the progression that your camp story has made over time. I love how you have used personification when the Earthboard is talking! It would be a good idea to read your story out loud. This really helps a writer to know where to add fullstops - remember that when our voice stops, we need a full stop.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Elly,
      I did a lot of editing with those drafts but it turned into a great story.
      Thanks for helping me with it.

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