Thursday, 11 September 2014

Writing Sample

WALT:  Entertain 

My writing goal this term was to: Use precise and technical language
                                                    
SUCCESS CRITERIA
I have used a range of precise vocabulary to communicate meaning.

TASK: craft a free-choice piece of writing that shows how I am developing my goal

FIRST DRAFT:

                                                               The Lost Balloons

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              Introduction
 Once there was a guinea pig called Coco and he had three balloons that he loved and had for lasted for 2 whole years!! And they never popped.

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                                                    Chapter 1
One day he went to the shop to get some white cabbage then he went home, ate his cabbage for dinner and tied his balloons to a tree and that was his first mistake he went to sleep....
                                                   
When he woke up to find his balloons floating up up up and away far into the sky he chased them for hours and hours.
Then he found himself ten feet off the ground in a river.
He finally made it to shore, he kept on running and running and running.
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Chapter 2
Then he stopped for once and realised he was on a mysteries island with a jungle surrounding him then he climbed a tree to see if he could see his balloons floating up up up into the air. Then he spotted them but it was very dark so he had to go to sleep.
   
When he woke up they were gone it was a good thing he had tracking device when he turned it on he saw them on the camera they were in paris how could they get there!!!!!!!!!!! and they were stuck on the Eiffel Tower how could that happen, he could not believe his eyes. Then in a flash a plane swopped by and popped them and the balloons got caught in the engine. But the other was headed for a real adventure it was caught on a submarine and the sumbrine was about to go under water OHHH but they were in Samoa he was in Paris he would never make it in time!!!!
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Chapter 3
Then his long lost brother came out of no where his name Chocolate, Chocolate? is that really you? You look different said coco well what do you exspect we only saw each other once in a life time said Chocolate. Good point said Coco Ohhh yeah I lost all my balloons said Chocolate me too said Coco but theres one left of mine and we have to go NOW come on they ran really fast. I don't understand why do have to go so fast asked Chocolate because that last balloon is stuck on a submarine that is about to go under water.
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Chapter 4

 Coco watch out then, Coco banged into the sumbrine that the balloon the balloon was stuck on, they snatched the balloon and because Coco had just banged his head he was really clumsy and grabbed hold of Chocolate's paw and then fell into the sumbrine and then the submarine started up and they went on a cruise.
They hated the cruise then as soon as the sumbrine was on land again they Sprinted off and then Coco said lets go home but chocolate said what way would that be? North. "Come on"

"Then they went home they got three balloons each and went on many adventures together. They got married to lovely wives that also loved adventures, and every day they would find a new adventure and meet new animals they evan made a human friend and learned how to speak human.


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The End
By Tabitha Crooks

This is my edited piece
 
Introduction
              Once there was a guinea pig called Coco and he had three balloons that he treasured and the balloons had lasted for a whole YEAR. A YEAR! Can you believe it?

One interesting and rather sunny day Coco took a stroll with his three balloons to a carrot patch to get some breakfast. He munched his carrots down in a hurry before skipping to his friend's house where he spent the day. They had planned a swim in the pond, but on this particular day the pond was crowded. It was swarming with so many rodents they couldn't even fit, especially with Coco's balloons, and so they left.

When he finally had to go home, he tied his balloons to a tree. What he didn't realise was that he just made the biggest mistake of his life. Then as he went to sleep the knot slowly unraveled...

Evaluation
How has your writing has improved this term? I think I got a lot better at adding more detail and added precise technical language to make it more interesting.

The part of my story I am most proud of is….Chapter four because I think I made it interesting and I think it flowed really well and it was very interesting.

Next time, what is a goal you can work towards? Maybe I could make my chapters a bit longer and my story a bit longer too.

Feedback/Feedforward: I  think you need to read your story out loud and check the mistakes you made, but apart from that your story was great.
-Bella

2 comments:

  1. Hi Tabitha - Your piece is sounding a lot more powerful and creates a better imagine in the reader’s head, well done. I would like you to use what you have learnt about language choice to infuse some similes, metaphors and emotive language next term.

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  2. Well done Tabitha that was great but even in your edited piece there are a few mistakes Maybe you could fix them up

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