Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Writing Sample

Description: Our goal in writing has been conjunctions and connectives. I choose the goal because that is what needed to improve on the most other than some of the other goals that I was easy for me, I know that I am improving on this goal because I am using more conjunctions and connectives in my story.



Here are my plans




Here is my writing 

A New Life


Step by step walking into my new invention, my time machine. As soon as I walk in I feel my head spinning, my tummy turning, my legs wobbling, then nothing, nothing but darkness. I take one step into the pitch black.


Then I see a figure, a weird kind of figure. I was too scared to move but the creature wasn't, it started to hurry towards me into it was right in front of me and said "hello Ruput I am Alfred will you help me destroy the earth?

" um um where are we how do you know my name what are you?

" I am a robot we are on Mars and I scanned you to find out your name, now will you help me destroy the earth?

" yes " said Ruput grinning. "

What is that machine" asked Alfred

"that is my time machine that is what brought me here on Mars.

Replied Ruput

" take me into it"

"okay"


Once again I feel my head spinning, my tummy turning, my legs wobbling, then darkness in my face.

" where are we?"

" my scan says we are in New York City underwater."

"What lets get out of here"!!


"Okay where are we now"?

" We are in Sydney, Australia at 25 Sydney street"

" yes finally this is my home lets go here come into the garage come in hurry before anyone sees you."


"Who is that"

said Ruput "she is Hannah she lives next door to you" replied Alfred.

" I am going to go talk to her you go inside Alfred". Said Ruput

" but we are going to destroy the world" said  Alfred

"yeah we will but I might just talk to her okay"


"Hi welcome to the neighbourhood I live next door what's your name?"

" I'm Hannah nice to meet you do you want to come inside?"

" yeah sure by the way I'm Ruput"

" okay that's a weird name what's your real name?"

" it's Max"

" know that is a awesome name anyway what do you do for a job?"

" a job um um I am a evil scientist I'm building a evil robot to destroy the world"

" That's horrible do you want to rule the world?"

"  I did but now I want to be with you"

" so do I, Max can I come round to your house?"

"yeah sure"

" well here is my house"

" where's the robot" " he's over here but he will kill me if I don't help him so I'll trick him ready, you stay here okay "

" hey do you want an upgrade?"

" yes I do" replied Alfred"

" okay "

For the next hour he was connecting and disconnecting wires and cords.

" finally here I am Hannah "

" I love you max "

" I love you to Hannah"

And 1 year later they got married and lived happily ever after.


The End By Tabitha Crooks

Feedback\Feedforward: that was really good the conjunctions were good but everything happened a bit to fast and I couldn't keep track - Bella m



Evaluation: I agree I did use the word "said" alot I think I did well on hooking the reader in.


1 comment:

  1. I know what Bella means - that it is a little bit hard to keep track. I think this has something to do with the amount of conversation you have in your story. Conversation is a powerful tool that writers use, but it is important to add other detail too. When you are reading, keep an eye out for how authors do this.

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